handjob tips. give me some.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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