Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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