Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
