So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
