Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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