Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
