Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
