u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Success! We fucked roommates!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
