just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The uberlube is also flammable
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
