there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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