I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
