Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
