I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
