I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
