I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
