2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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