wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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