you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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