Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
