Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
