The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
