my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
