Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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