I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
