Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
