I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
