I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
