how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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