Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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