Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We are all done wearing pants today
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
