It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
