dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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