I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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