that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
