hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
