I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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