We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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