Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just gift wrapped bread.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
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