saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
