Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
