It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
