Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
