I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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