Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
