just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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