I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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