Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
