paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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