At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
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