I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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